Expect The UnexpectedThere are a number of things couples do to prepare for the arrival of a new baby. My wife and I did everything we could to ensure we were ready for the day the contractions arrived and we’d be hurriedly loading our overnight bags into the car. That is how the whole process starts, right? Not necessarily.
My wife and I took pre-natal classes to provide peace of mind when it came to the delivery of the baby and the things we’d have to deal with once we arrived home with our newborn son. The classes helped shed some light on what we could expect when the labour was imminent and the signs that our son was ready to breathe his first breath.
I “graduated” the class knowing that one day my wife would feel some contractions and that would be the sign that we were underway.
The old saying “Expect the unexpected” couldn’t ring more true in the situation that eventually did present itself. We were at a “guys and girls” baby shower three weeks prior to our due date. After returning home around 11 pm my wife noticed that her water was leaking. I thought to myself:
“Where are the contractions?”
“This isn’t what we prepared for in class.”
“What do we do now?”
I had no idea what this meant. My wife and I quickly flipped open one of the many books we had on the topic of pregnancy and to our surprise we were headed to the hospital moments later.
TIP #1 – Gentlemen, if you’ve supported your wife by staying sober with her for 9 months, congratulations. If you haven’t, and you are at a baby shower having a few beers 3 weeks before your due date, know that you may be headed to the hospital moments later. A good time for laying-off the adult beverages is probably 4 weeks prior, not 3.
My whole internalized plan for our little guys’ arrival was now out the window. The preparation I had taken to ensure that I would be able to “fly” home from work at a moments notice (at some point in October) was no longer valid. The amount of work I was in the midst of (this being September 13th) to ensure I had lightened my October workload, such that I could take the week off when he did arrive, would no longer hold water either.
Luckily, my wife had taken 5 weeks off work prior to the baby’s arrival. This was a fluke, but we’re glad it worked out this way. All the necessary paperwork and steps to be taken to finally say “I’m outta here” had been done, one less thing we had to think about.
TIP #2 – For the expectant moms: If you can do it, give yourself a good amount of time off work prior to baby’s arrival—if not for the potential of an early arrival do it to enjoy some time at home bonding with your baby while he’s still in utero.
While at the hospital early Sunday morning a nurse confirmed that my wife’s amniotic fluid was in fact leaking. This wasn’t a case of a huge Niagara-like gush as-seen-on-TV, but rather a small but frequent appearance of fluid. Had we been past our due date my wife would have been induced right away, but because we were early we got to play a unique game of wait-and-see. This was not something we discussed in class and it was not fun.
We were sent home that same Sunday at around 1 am, with instructions to return to the hospital later that day at 8 am. We were told to expect contractions at any point and that the doctor on-call at the hospital may decide to induce upon our return. This was exciting! Even though we hadn’t prepared, the initial thought that our son was about to look into our eyes within the next day was so cool. You can imagine trying to return home and get some sleep—it didn’t happen.
We came back to the hospital at 8 am, and much to our dismay we were sent home and told to wait for contractions. “We’ll either see you here overnight with a baby, or we’ll see you again tomorrow morning.” We did a rinse-and-repeat of our Sunday adventure again on Monday and then were back at the hospital Tuesday—our fifth trip to the hospital in 3 days.
On Tuesday morning the nurses wheeled in the IV and the Oxytocin was ready to start flowing. My wife was justifiably fearful of the thought of labour being manufactured on-the-spot but we knew with the fluids leaking our son needed to come out. Our OB arrived to examine my wife for the last time before labour was induced and on a whim (from what I could observe) she decided to
check one last time that our baby was in fact “head down”—key to a smooth vaginal delivery.
In looking back I cannot believe that ultrasounds are not always done prior to induction. Our baby was “breech”—facing sideways in the uterus—and he would need to be delivered via caesarean section. Another blow to our birth plan, and another blow to our mental state heading into this birth. “You’re having major surgery at 1 pm today” is a brick wall of a statement to drop on a woman (and a couple) who hadn’t really slept in 3 days. Better now than after 10 hours of induced labour, but still a shock.
In our pre-natal class we saw a 3-D rendered diagram of how a caesarean or C-Section was “performed”. That was the extent of it. Once again, we were not prepared. But really, the toll that news would take on us had we found out months in advance may have been greater than finding out mere hours prior.
Not only could my knowledge of the procedure be referred to as “minimal” at best, it would be the days and weeks after the surgery that would prove to be the greatest test for me—not to mention my wife. This is an article about helping dads to be prepared to help the moms, so forgive me ladies if it seems I am making it sound like the real tough job is the father’s, it isn’t.
Fathers-to-be, your work will begin as soon as the news of an unexpected c-section is announced. You may need to help your wife understand that she will do just fine, and she is no less a fit-mother because things aren’t following “the plan.”
Prior to the procedure, dads may wait in an adjoining room while the epidural is placed and until the incision is made. This was a real tough emotional wait. I stared at the clock in full scrubs regalia with sheer excitement and sheer fear. I was going to see my son within moments but my wife was going to undergo major surgery to make it happen. It was unlike any feeling I had had before.
When the surgery commenced I was able to join my wife behind a large curtain which kept us both from watching the procedure. This was good, my wife and I got to see one another, I could hold her hand and I could share our baby’s first moments with her. Although my wife had no pain, she could feel the pulling and jostling of her insides as the baby was positioned such that he could be removed from her body. And then, there he was.
TIP #3 – Dad’s, from hereon in, for the next few days and couple weeks, you will be the primary mover, diaper changer, and “go to” support person for your new family. Your wife will be in recovery for up to 4 weeks, and the extent of her surgery has made it impossible for her to bend down to lift baby, hard for her to get in and out of bed, and she will rely on you for support in the hospital and at home. Be prepared to stay at the hospital for up to 4 days even if you think you’ll be there for 2.
With baby now cleaned up and breathing he was handed to me. I was now a responsible father whose first responsibility was walking him safely to the adjoining room to wait for my wife to have her incision closed and epidural removed.
Thus begun a 3-day in hospital stay where my duties included:
- Keeping an eye and ear on our baby so my wife could get as much sleep as possible in between visits from guests and visits from nurses. She needed sleep to heal.
- If baby stirred and needing burping, diaper changing, re-swaddling, this was my work. My wife was in bed for 24 hours, and even 72 hours later getting in and out of the hospital bed was a challenge for her.
- When food arrived I was getting a bedside table into place and helping get the tray positioned.
- I was on water and refreshment duty, a 24 hour on-call position.
- I was also a good friend to the hospital parking meter. Having been at the hospital 5 times in 3 days I regretted continually buying an hour and/or days’ time – TIP #4, buy a weekly parking pass at the first sign of baby’s arrival , you’ll get better value and will surely use it!
- You will be the guest-scheduler, friend and family caller, and face for the family for this recovery period.
Your story will inevitably be much different than mine. Just keep in mind that the story you have in your head now will also be much different than the one you later share. To best prepare for this special moment do all the normal things couples do—take the classes, read the books, and put together a birth plan—but also keep an open mind, realize things may change, and if they do change try to be the rock that faces the challenge head-on. Your wife will appreciate your strength and your ability to remain calm and helpful.
-- Kyle Hosick
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