That’s what it feels like, isn’t it? I’m an expressive personality so I have a lot of acronyms for how I feel and when I’m down I use words like limp, wet noodle, weak, soft, down for the count, broken, benched etc. That’s when it is critical to have a surrounding of people like architectural components that literally hold you up like arches, beams, columns, balconies and stretchers. 

A lot of people ask me how I would like to be supported, or ask for advice on how to be a supportive friend to someone who is dealing with infertility or adoption waits. I have 2 things to say about that: First, congratulations on being an awesome person. People who are dealing with tough things need a lot of friends and it’s not always easy to be there for them, so if you are putting yourself up to the task, your friend is lucky to have you. Second, if you are someone who knows me personally and are reading this article, I can’t stress enough that the reason I feel qualified to write this is because I have the strongest and wide network of support beams around and I am thrilled to be able to highlight what they do that is particularly amazing and helpful so that others can apply it too.

First… a word about your friend. I write this perspective as someone who has experienced several years of infertility and am now 8 months into an adoption wait, so the challenges of both things are intertwined when I reflect on my mind state and what I’m about to say may not apply to everyone’s situations. It’s a good idea to start by asking your friend what this feels like, but this is how it feels like for us: We haven’t lost anything, but we are still feeling an immense grief. Because we don’t have a “grief point” where we can let these feelings out in more appropriate ways, we are unfocused in our anger, sadness, appreciation, anticipation and confusion. This means that the rules are constantly changing, things that are said to us one day that felt supportive suddenly feels like the wrong thing to hear the next day. It’s a little like being stuck in a tunnel and you don’t know if the end is around the corner or for another 100 miles so none of your emotions are validated because every time you feel anger you immediately tell yourself you should cheer up. Every time you feel hopeful you immediately chide yourself for being a sucker. 

Here are 5 things you need to know:

1)      Never be scared to ask how things are going. I find when questions are posed as “how are you feeling about things?” or sometimes even “I’m thinking about you lots, what is the next step of the process?” I am always grateful for the chance to talk about things. Continually hearing “Any word?” can get a little old as the only answer to that question is “um… no.” But when people ask about things from our perspective that is helpful.

2)      Remember your friends on Mothers and Fathers days. A simple email to say “I’m thinking of you and hoping you will celebrate this day with your little one soon” can mean the world to someone. 

3)      Do not suggest that as soon as someone adopts they will get pregnant. It seems to be a common story, but the reality is that the odds do not favour it. There are 2 reasons why this statement is irritating to hear: First, the underlying assumption is that the women simply needs to “relax” in order to conceive, which further implies that the infertility is her fault because she was just “stressed out” and can minimize some very real physical hurdles she is facing. If she has premature aging ovaries, she can be having a massage and a facial WHILE having sex and still not get pregnant. The other reason this is grating is because it subtly suggest that adoption is “plan B” and when you get it, you will finally get the ultimate goal of ending up pregnant. Part of being excited about adoption means letting go of fertility and that means your friend now considers adoption to be plan A and has said goodbye to that dream already. This is one rule that is standard… no matter what mindset your friend is in, she doesn’t want to hear this, I promise.

4)      If you find yourself pregnant and wondering how to tell your friend, a simple email is usually well received. Your friend is going to be over the moon happy for you, but there is a part of her that will feel some emotions of jealousy that she might not be so proud of and giving her the space to get the news by herself and be able to have a reaction in private is extremely considerate. This lets her pull herself together and then she’ll be able to call you to gush away when she’s ready.

5)      Be comfortable with heavy emotion. It’s okay to let your friend sink into some very real and scary emotions, she won’t stay there forever. Telling her to cheer up either tells her that her feelings aren’t valid (which they are) or that you somehow have the capability to solve this for her (which you probably don’t). Just listen and tell her that what she is feeling is normal and okay and that you’re proud of how well she is coping.

These are the five “best practices” that I find make the biggest difference, but there are lots of other resources if you want to hear more. I’d suggest starting with these links: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/ and http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/waiting.php for more reading. Support beams hold things up and provide safety and structure to buildings, and friendships are no different. Regardless of what you do, just feeling the weight of your care and love will provide your friend with that feeling of safety and strength and she will know that she is a lucky girl to have such incredible friends in her life.

  -- Katie D.